Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Bebe Neuwirth Movie Reviews


Brooklyn's Completely Necessary Bebe Neuwirth Post





Tadpole

I have so much love for this movie’s ridiculousness. Let us first discuss the plot. A 15 year old boy is SO in love with his stepmother, that he sleeps with her best friend over Thanksgiving Break…because her best friend happens to be wearing her scarf and happened to pick his drunk ass up off of the street after he got mugged and took him home to give him a massage. Now let us talk about how the stepmother is played by Sigourney Weaver and the best friend is played by Bebe Neuwirth. BECAUSE THEY ARE SO VERY EASILY MISTAKEN FOR EACH OTHER. Oh my. I don’t know about you, but I, for one, KNOW that I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart if I were drunk. OF COURSE YOU WOULD. In no universe, EVER would a drunk teenage boy sleep with Bebe Neuwirth accidentally. It’d be on purpose, let’s be honest. In love with their stepmother or not, if Bebe Neuwirth was giving them a massage (which she was because this movie is THAT ridiculous) they would sleep with her.

Now onto the movie itself. Let’s talk about how Sigourney Weaver is fierce. I mean, if I weren’t talking about it everyday of my life, I don’t know what I’d be doing. I’m convinced the woman doesn’t have a real resume. She just has to go “I’m Sigourney Weaver, bitch.” And she gets cast in anything she wants. Really? She just GETS anything she wants. She’s Sigourney Weaver: Kickass Alien Doctor in every movie ever. She deserves it. She plays a scientist in this movie. Does she ever NOT play a scientist? Discuss. So there’s this scene where Oscar goes to Eve (Sigourney Weaver) in her lab, and they have this big discussion about rats and somehow livers are involved. I’ll be honest. I didn’t really watch that part. I got bored and fast-forwarded. Story of my life. BUT the heart becomes compared to the liver. It’s so… odd. It’s just odd.

ALSO: I need to take a moment to acknowledge the design team of this movie for their expert design in Diane’s (Bebe Neuwirth) bedroom and wardrobe. As if the animal print bedding wasn’t enough, the headboard also had to be animal print. OH, and the bed should be circular, right? And it’s not like she isn’t already wearing animal print at all times. WE GET IT. SHE’S A COUGAR. MOVE ON. The audience really isn’t that dumb. We probably would’ve gotten the cougar thing just because she slept with him. You know what? Maybe not. Who knows?

SO THE DINNER SCENE. There’s a dinner scene in which the boy, his father, his stepmother, and her best friend all go to dinner. It’s plagued with random moments spoken in French (Which somehow I understood? Thanks high school foreign language requirement.) And THEN Bebe (as Diane) gets up and starts making out with Oscar (the boy) for cereal. It happens. It occurs. It’s fantastic, and no one has any idea why it’s happening.

Then there’s the scene where Oscar makes out with Sigourney Weaver’s character while they are doing the dishes. BECAUSE THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Dishes, man…they’re sexy. The whole scent of Dawn and all… WHAT? No one knows.
Anyway, I just spent a lot of time talking about a movie and you probably still have no idea what it’s about. Don’t worry. I’ve seen it about 6 times and I still have no idea what it’s about. But Sigourney Weaver and Bebe Neuwirth are rockstars. That’s really all you need to know.









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Say Anything

I love this movie for the sheer fact that it’s an 80s movie and I am oddly nostalgic for that decade that I wasn’t even alive in. I’m oddly bitter that I was born in the 90s. I was tempted to not even review this movie because Bebe’s in it for a total of a minute and a half, but ANYWAY. It’s worth it because this movie is oddly good. And the father goes to jail. Which, you know, just makes total sense for me to talk about. NOW.

There’s this girl, right? And she’s valedictorian and great at basically everything ever, and this boy that thinks that she’s out of his league- (Sound familiar? It’s basically the plot of every teen movie made in the past 20 years. Including Crossroads. Sorry Britney Spears…it’s true.) And of course the guy is John Cusack and he just happens to steer the girl around a broken bottle on the sidewalk after an all-night party so she thinks they’re destined to be together. Still with me? Okay. NOW there is one really funny part of this movie and it’s the fact that Jason Gould is in it. With a Mohawk. Yes, my friends- the spawn of God in the form of a singer, Barbra Streisand, has a Mohawk in Say Anything. He’s absolutely hilarious, also. He forgets where he lives. Amazing.

So the boy takes the girl to a party after they graduate, and becomes Key Master. Which is basically a really nerdy way of saying he’s responsible and takes the keys from everyone at the party to see who is too drunk to go home. WELL Bebe shows up to this party and starts asking him all of these questions about what he’s going to do with his life…there’s still at this kegger… because she’s his CAREER COUNSELOR. And then she gives him her keys. Why? WHY? In all the Earth would a career counselor go to a post-high-school-graduation rave? I didn’t even do that when I graduated high school, let alone will I do it later on in my life. BUT whatever.
John Mahoney is in this movie and is absolutely breathtaking as the father. Seriously. I’d trade my father for him anyday. Even if he did scam a bunch of old people in a nursing home. (This movie really is a tad over-the-top.) WATCH IT.

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Fame

Why isn’t this my life? Why? I want Megan Mullally to teach me how to sing. And Kelsey Grammer to teach me how to play the piano. And Bebe Neuwirth to teach me how to dance. I WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. It’s happening in my head right now. You don’t even know. This is one of those movies that makes you want to dance. All the time. Who doesn’t want to go to a school where people start break dancing on one table and tap dancing on another in the middle of the cafeteria? It’s just a good movie. I don’t care what the critics said about it. The only complaint I have is that they didn’t utilize their older cast members to their full potential. Seriously. If you have Megan Mullally in a movie, she should get to do more than sing one song. And Kelsey Grammer should get to do more than yell at one kid. And Bebe Neuwirth…she really didn’t do anything but tell one boy his dreams weren’t going to come true and he attempted suicide. Which, really, if Bebe Neuwirth told me my dreams weren’t going to come true…well let’s just say I don’t blame him for wanting to jump in front of a moving train. Bitch knows what she’s talking about. ANYWAY: Watch it just for the fact that there is amazing dancing and singing and it’s just fun.







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Liberty Heights
This movie will break your little Jewish heart. Or your little Jew-loving heart. Because let’s be honest, if you aren’t Jewish, you wish you were. At least, I wish I was. There is so much going on in this movie, and it is absolutely one of my favorite movies of all time. First of all, it’s just plain pretty. It’s absolutely gorgeous. If you only watch one movie on this list, please let it be this one. It’s about oppression that Jews faced in the 1950s, and it’s insanely amazing. Also: It’s about the mafia. Which, in my opinion, is always a good subject when it comes to movies. It makes you laugh and it makes you cry. A lot- in the best way possible. It’s one of those things that’s like a snapshot in history, and a history that no one really talks about. It’s nice. Really really nice. And it makes you wish you were part of this family. Or any family like that. And I’ll say it again..I really want to be Jewish. And this movie makes me resent my family for not being Jewish. BECAUSE IT’S SO GOOD. I’m not even going to try to make fun of it. It’s too good. Just watch it. It’ll change your entire perspective on life. Not kidding. My heart is still broken and I saw it 2 months ago. Barry Levinson can direct anything ever and I will approve. Granted, I say that based on seeing two movies (this and Bugsy) but the dude knows what the hell he is doing. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.





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The Faculty
So I saw the first ten minutes, and then I threw up. So I stopped watching. Basically Bebe dies in the first ten minutes- but it’s kind of like how Drew Barrymore died in Scream? TOTALLY DIGNIFIED. Except for the fact that this dude sticks a pencil through her hand. YES. A PENCIL. THROUGH HER HAND. And then chases her around the entire school while she screams and cries... and bleeds. It’s such a mess. She died and I couldn’t handle life. Or food apparently. If your into gore- and cheesy 1998 gore- watch it. The thing is? My older sister probably made me watch this movie when it came out…and I was 8 years old.. and I probably didn’t think anything of it at the time. BUT NOW IT FREAKS ME OUT. Okay? OKAY.
SO I was wrong. She’s apparently in the movie a lot more than the first ten minutes. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT? SHE WAS DEAD. As in DIED. But you know? That’s okay. I’m not going to watch it. Because it’s gory.



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Celebrity
Woody Allen. Enough said. Okay the main problem that I had with this movie has nothing to do with the movie itself, but with Judy Davis. I LOVE Judy Davis. The woman is brilliant and stunning. But I can’t look at her without thinking “IVE BEEN TRYING TO BE JUDY GARLAND ALL MY LIFE.” Seriously. I’ve seen the Me and My Shadows miniseries SO MANY TIMES that I can’t possibly see Judy Davis in any other role but Judy Garland. So in my head, she kind of plays Judy Garland all the time. SO it’s Judy Davis AS Judy Garland AS whatever character she’s actually playing. So Judy Davis AS Judy Garland AS someone asking Bebe Neuwirth for sex advice? Not the best mix. BUT it was really funny. Once you get past the whole Dorothy Gale Complex thing I seem to have attached to Judy Davis…This is a good movie. In all seriousness.



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Game 6
I don’t know what any of those words mean. I don’t understand many sports. Basketball..is the extent of my knowledge into the world of sports. AND soccer. I understand soccer. Football and baseball are way over my head. Not the point. The point is that this entire movie is about sports. And a playwright…who lets his entire life happiness depend on sports and not the success of his upcoming play. I probably could’ve followed the theatre storyline. But alas, I got bored and fast forwarded. Bebe Neuwirth is in this movie for maybe five minutes- she’s really good in it though. Well…idk. It’s weird. The guy walks in. She jumps him. End of scene. Whatever- I think I would’ve liked it if I cared to understand it. Which I didn’t.




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