Brooklyn's completely necessary Annette Bening Post.
What Planet Are You From?
This is clearly the funniest movie you’ve never seen. I’m guessing you’ve never seen it, because most people haven’t. BUT IT’S EPIC SAUCE. Seriously? The entire premise is brill. An alien from outer space comes to Earth to have a baby so he can take over the world. It’s a little more complicated than that, but at the same time… it’s really not. And Annette Bening’s all “I won’t have sex until I’m married because I’m a recovering drug addict, YO.” BUT ANYWAY- they get married because they are clearly horny. There is a montage of Vegas. It’s pretty. And has lights. She also has a three month pregnancy? Idk- the ENTIRE movie is SO hilarious. I’m making it sound weird- but it’s AMAZING. Especially when Annette tells Gary Shandling she’s pregnant, she sings and dances. SINGS AND DANCES, FOOLS. They also have sex ALL the time because he’s trying to get her pregnant so he can take over the world- obvs… and she’s all “If I would’ve known we were going to do it during dinner I wouldn’t have ordered the soup.” It’s actually a very classy movie, Mike Nichols directed it. <- I act as if that automatically makes it classy. The man directed The Graduate and went on to direct a movie called What Planet Are You From? Seriously? What’s he doing with his life? BEING AWESOME, THAT’S WHAT. I love that man’s talent. Anyway- John Goodman’s in it, and he fights with his wife a lot and hilarity ensues. “She’s in a wheelchair, Nadine.” “SHE’S STILL A SLUT.” I really don’t know where that was going, but it’s one of the most amazing moments of this movie. It’s actually probably the funniest movie Annette has ever been in and I enjoyed it so ridiculously much. Netflix this shit if you want a laugh. It’s not stupid humor, it’s very much human nature humor. It’s a lot of studying of psychology of people and why they say and do what they say and do. And it’s just so funny. I’ll shut up now.
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Bugsy
The amount of love I have for this movie far exceeds my love for my siblings, best friends and future lovers combined. Let’s talk about how this movie is pure sex. Pure, unadulterated, period-piece, Hollywood glamour, gangster sex. I’m in love. I seriously did my 10 page research paper in history of cinema on Mafia Movies JUST so I could ramble about this movie for three or so pages and fangirl Annette and Warren. CLEARLY I got an A. Their love cannot be denied, even by my insanely boring idiotic HoC professor. I digress… I should probably preface this by saying that the theatrical version of this movie is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Ever. The extended directors cut? BEST EVER. I’m obsessed with it. OKAY SO: Warren gets all randomly suicidal and Annette grabs the gun and HILARITY ENSUES. Really? It’s not supposed to be funny. She’s shooting chandeliers and shit and it’s all way too goddamned serious- but THEN she SCREAMS “I LOVE YOU GODDAMNIT.” And shoots a piano. A FRAKKING PIANO. How is that not the funniest thing you’ve ever heard in your life? AND there are so many other people in this movie that are worth mentioning. FIRST OFF: Elliot Gould- because Barbra is destined to be my best friend. That’s clearly the only reason he is in this movie. No, in all seriousness- he gets shot out by some train tracks and it’s EPICLY sad because you’re like “Oh…Ben Seigel is human…and feels remorse. SAD TIMES, WARREN.” And then Annette!VirginiaHill gets all scared and “SHIT SON. My Boyfriend is Lyke Totally a Killer, Yo” even though she already knew that. And Bebe Neuwirth is randomly in it? As a Countess who is frakking Warren. Because really? Who isn’t frakking Warren in this movie? Or in real life for that matter? Not the point. SO Annette gets all jealous and calls her a Cuntess. HOW ARE YOU NOT WATCHING THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW? You’re such a failure. Now, I get that some people don’t get the complexities of the gangster politics in this movie, and it’s understandable because I’ve read up on these people but seriously? It’s worth it just for Annette epic clothes and Warren being badass and the two of them going at it every other scene. OH and Annette!VirginiaHill LETS THEM KNOW WHOS BOSS. For serious. Remember when she left Warren in a dessert? She just drove off because she felt like it. ACE. My hero. Right there. I would legit shoot someone for the costumes in this movie. LEGIT.
QUOTES.
"Bugsy" Siegel: Got a light?
Virginia: The way you were looking at me, I thought you were going to ask for something more interesting.
"Bugsy" Siegel: Like what?
Virginia: Use your imagination.
"Bugsy" Siegel: I'm using it.
Virginia: ...Let me know when you're finished.
^I adore this. SO MUCH.
Virginia: Well…my oh my, you're pretty ferocious for a mom's concern, aren't ya? The rest of the time you're just some good-looking, sweet-talking, charm-oozing, fuck-happy fellow with nothing to offer but some dialogue. Dialogue is cheap in Hollywood Ben... why don't you run outside and jerk yourself a soda.
^See how epicly fierce this girl is? I mean, she’s a beast. It’s fantastic. GAH. This movie is perfection.
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Open Range
Annette Bening stars in: A western? WHAT? WHAT is the craziness of this movie? Must be some Kevin Costner movie…Oh? Oh it is? Oh…okay. SO….it’s actually a legitimately made western… doesn’t quite make it better. Confession: I totally only watched the Annette parts. But really? Annette in a prairie skirt? Necessary? Idk. Hilarious? Absolutely. It’s obviously a Kevin Costner film, and I actually HAVE seen the entire movie at one point in time and it’s fascinating. BUT since then, I’ve only seen the Annette parts. SO. It’s a western. Now that you’ve decided to never see this movie, let me reiterate: IT’S A WESTERN. Okay. Point across. Moving on. Annette plays the sister of the small western town’s only doctor- which would make it easy for Kevin Costner to mistake her for the doctor’s wife. WHICH HE DOES. Who called it? That would be me. Not predictable at all, Costner. Well done, lad. Anyway, she’s flirting with him and he’s flirting with her throughout the course of the movie, then he tries to kill her when he’s in a drunken sleep state and she takes care of him and then she says she’s not the doctor’s wife and they make out when she’s gardening. Typical boy-meets-girl in a western type setting if you ask me. There’s more, but I won’t bore you- EXCEPT: I’m obsessed with Annette’s hair in this movie. SERIOUS. And this is actually a really good western. If..you’re into westerns. Which I’m not. Obviously.
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The American President
Let’s talk about how I can quote every single word of this movie. I’m what you call insane, and I love politics…and love movies about politics. I especially love movies that mix love and politics. It’s SO awesome. This is one of the few movies I can fall asleep to, just because I have the entire movie memorized. I watch it on an EXTREMELY regular basis..it’s pretty sick actually. I’ve probably seen it more than any other movie in existence besides The Graduate. Okay so anyway- The American President. Basically Michael Douglas is the president and Annette Bening is a lobbyist for an environmental activist corporation called the Global Defense Council and Michael’s all worried about passing this ridiculous crime bill that won’t do anything? And Annette’s all “SAVE FOSSIL FUELS, BITCH” and then she gets pissed at him and talks about how much he sucks as a president and he walks in. HILARITY. Seriously though, I want to be Sydney Ellen Wade (annette’s character) and I want all of this to happen to me. It’s such a great movie. I can’t even make fun of it. That’s how much I love it. And it could REALLY be made fun of if someone felt the need to. But I can’t. It’s too near and dear to my heart.
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American Beauty
I WILL SELL THIS HOUSE TODAY. Yes…yes you will Annette. I believe in you. I could watch this movie every day of my life. I know it’s pretentious and every film student ever is obsessed with it, but I really COULD watch it every day. I adore it whole-heartedly. Let’s talk about how much fun it is to see her rock out in a car to Don’t Rain On My Parade. Or be frustrated with her husband in a car. Or to see her scream in a car. Or go through a drive-through in a car. Really? She spends 85% of her screen time in a two-ton motor vehicle. Which, if you ask me, is screen time well spent. I just adore her character. For serious. I feel for her. All she wants is perfection…IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Apparently, Kevin Spacey. APPARENTLY. This movie basically teaches us that if you settle in suburbia you sell your soul. Which is a necessary lesson to learn.
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Regarding Henry
People have a tendency to make fun of me because I own this movie and adore it. Granted, they’ve (Emily and Kate) never seen this movie but for some reason, they still have the guts to make fun of me for it. BUT THEY WONT WATCH IT WITH ME. So sad. ANYWAY- the movie is actually amazing. Harrison Ford is a complete jackass, and he’s married to Annette Bening but doesn’t deserve her and then he gets shot in the head. THE END. Just kidding- it’s actually all about how he has to re-learn who he is and he becomes this amazing man and it saves their marriage basically. It’s presh. But what makes this movie perfect is that Annette’s hair length changes in every scene. One scene she’ll have short short hair, the next scene it will be past her shoulders, and back and forth. Continuity much? Idk Mike Nichols directed it and it’s a very uplifting movie. I only really watch the Annette parts though because there’s only so much Harrison Ford painting his feelings at Rehab a girl can take.
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Love Affair
This is quite possibly the best worst movie ever made. I adore it so much. But seriously? It’s so easy to make fun of. Basically the entire movie is filmed through a fuzzy pink lens. WHO DOESN’T LOVE THE 1990s? So Annette and Warren are paired in the remake of Love Affair and just for good measure they threw in Katharine Hepburn and Pierce Brosnan. Typical cast. No big deal or anything… Katharine Hepburn talks for about 20 minutes in the movie about the difference in mating habits of ducks and mating habits of swans and horses. METAPHORS RUN AMUCK. And then she plays piano while Annette hums along and Warren gazes adoringly in their direction. Tell me you don’t want to see this movie….LIES. You know you do. SO the basic premise is that Warren is a famous manwhore who meets Annette, his match and changes his ways for her. ART IMITATING LIFE, MUCH? Basically they’re playing themselves in a plane-crashed setting. And then Annette gets hit by a car. Girl has a rough couple of months, clearly. Don’t worry. You don’t see it. The cars are literally stuck in traffic, there’s no WAY getting hit by a car would paralyze her, but they make sure not to show you that. HA. But she loves him too much to tell him…blah blah. Actually it’s incredibly sweet but I don’t want to bore you. OH And Warren paints pretty pictures. And Annette gets to play with little kids a lot, which is just fun.
This last picture was just necessary because necessary is necessary.
THE END.
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